So, I have this fantastic film class. I am so in love with this class and the teacher.
Our first filmings went so well, and I was "praised" by our teacher after each filming. But I feel somewhat at a loss.
For our upcoming films, all of the students are writing their own scripts. I am, nerdily, excited for mine because it's an adapted script from my favorite book Brave New World. It's between Lenina and the Savage (John), towards the end of the book when he professes his love for her and tells her that he wants to marry her. I invited my classmate Nick to do this scene with me because I feel that we always do great work together, and I couldn't ask Ali again because we worked together on the first film. (Even though I LOVE working with her, since we rock so much!)
Well, everyone is getting their scripts together and I'm all excited to hear who is working with who, and I've learned that no one wants to work with me. i am by no means saying that i am so fantastic that everyone should flock to me, but no one. Not one person has asked me to work with them. Some people are working on multiple scenes. I would be lying if I said that it doesn't hurt a little. I would have hoped, really, to have more than just three shorts for my reel after I leave this school. And yes, I know a couple of classmates that will only have three when they leave. I suppose I thought that since each person is writing a script, and there are nine of us, each person would get to be in 2 scenes for the final shooting.
I know that all of this worrying and "woe is me" bullshit are just insecurities from my past popping up, but I feel I have a right...in some way. At least I'm not screaming it out at the top of my lungs for everyone to hear.
Plus, miss thang, who hasn't even been at school for practically two weeks gets to be in her scene and another!
Maybe I should distance myself...
I don't know.
I just wish that I was appreciated a little more from my peers. Are their minds already made up about me because I'm the one lesbot in class?! Because I'm not dammit. I like guys too!
Now this makes me think that I really shouldn't come out, because it could fuck up my career; if that's already happening I mean.
Who knows. Maybe something will come up because another classmate already has too many scenes to do. Yay to second best.
Yeah right...
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I know it won't make you feel much better, but, I didn't get asked to do a second one EITHER. And, truly, I thought our work in our film was pretty fucking great. So, I hear you. It made me feel pretty awful about my "talent" / "skill" too. Like, really? And, I, too, would have asked you to be in MINE (cause we DID rock so much) but for the same reasons as before, I thought diversity in casting would be better. Sigh. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. Not the lesbot part, but for my own, personal issues. I'll explain more in person about who and what if you're interested. But, please know, (and I'm NOT just blowing sunshine up your ass) you're pretty fucking talented and amazing. I'm HONORED that we have such a fantastic piece to show (even with my stupid matching/continuity errors). You are one of the best actresses to come out of the conservatory and I'd work with you, again, in any given heartbeat. And that's a fact.
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